Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Spring


The view from my window is beautiful: clear, blue skies, trees blooming everywhere, birds chirping away winter's chill. The sun shines brightly & there's not a cloud in the sky. Spring has arrived. There's something in the cool breezes & sun's clear light that calls my heart back to Chapel Hill. Something about it pulls at the deepest parts of me to return - to that place of describing the window's view to a little boy who had yet to experience fresh air, to the familiar ICU walls & medical alarms, to waiting by the cherry blossoms for the shuttle to arrive, to those 5-minute croissant breaks outside in the butterfly garden. To simply being with my son as he experienced each new day. It has caught me off guard & yet is treasured just the same.

Peace has enveloped our home these past several weeks, allowing in the treasured memories of our sweet boy while holding off the deep pain of his absence. We delight in knowing he's whole & complete, free of pain & strain in Jesus' arms. We've passed the deepest depths of grief's pit to start the long climb up again. God continues to show Himself near & faithful.

But there's something about today...something...that just makes my arms ache for my little boy. Something that calls the depths of me to return to that spring in Chapel Hill. I can't quite define it. All I know is that today...I just want to curl up next to Isaac & hold him tight.

At times I feel like the children of C.S. Lewis' "Chronicles of Narnia," having wandered from the wardrobe, filled with memories from the journey there - the friends gained, obstacles conquered, tears shed, & new joys experienced. Our 5ish months in that distant land (or Holland as once we called it) remain vivid in my mind & dear to my heart. There's a sweetness to those days with Isaac in Chapel Hill. Some would ask, "don't you miss home?" To be honest, I really didn't. Our family is our home & as Isaac needed us at UNC, it had become our home. The hours reading him books & holding hands with Isaac would wake us in the morning, while visits with the PICU staff became much like catching up with old friends. And as our journey took us from hospital to house, our feeling of home followed. Amazing...to have our darling in the place we had long prepared for him. Those days were a gift & a blessing.

Then in an instant, that world was to be left behind & the "now" at times showing very little evidence of our time there other than the change in our hearts & souls. Life moves on, passing people on the street who don't even know of this distant land. And yet the littlest thing - a kiss of the breeze on your shoulders, a song's melody, the smell of a child's clothes, the sound of an alarm - & immediately you're transported back to that place forever captured in mind & time. While the wardrobe no longer grants passage to that place, its memory sweet remains.

Spring is in the air. And on its gentle breeze, the daydreams & longings for the most precious little boy. Something...calling me back to that place & time that will forever remain the sweetest in my heart. So for now, I'll cherish these images of my son: his playful hands, his expressions full of personality, the peace of him sleeping & the joy every time he'd wake to look into my eyes. Thank you, great God, for the treasure of them. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

42 comments:

MilePost13 said...

we love you guys so much.

Gina Witcher / Runnermom4 said...

Here, a year later I still cry every time I read your blog. :-) What sweet and blessed words... It seems like so long ago, but reading your blog makes it seem like yesterday...
like the fresh sweet smell of Spring. It's so good to hear your voice again.

We love you guys...

Q's NEWS said...

I have only recently been introduced to your blog and just wanted to share with you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your blog is so beautifully written that I can feel your love for your child. Just know there are people everywhere thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult time.

Love from WV,
Susan

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

You say it so perfectly Patience - as always! I know just what you mean how little things take you straight back - the smell of freesias, 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' by Oasis... there are so many things that take me straight back to the day we said hello and goodbye to our first sweet boy, Will. Thanks for blogging again - and thanks for your messages on Charlie's blog, they mean such a lot. Take care now, lots of love XXX

Sami said...

you have such a way with words and analogies its beautiful. i thank God for the peace you guys have felt recently and i pray that your minds continue to be filled with the sweetest of the memories you both hold dear!

The Figs said...

ditto to what alison has written, you write it perfectly!

thank you for pouring into our lives! thank you for your encouraging words.

the figs love you & jordan greatly!!

Kellee Flatt said...

We pray that God will continue to give you the peace you need each and every day. My husband and I continue to hold you up in prayer each day.

Julie Miles said...

Still praying for you and I'm glad to hear that you are having peace - although I know it's still got to be hard, especially as springtime arrives. You all still continue to be a blessing and inspiration to us through your strong faith and dependence on God.

Much love,

Julie, Dan & Ethan Miles

boltefamily said...

Just wanted you to know I am praying for you!

a_weak_rose said...

Hugs to you today. . .

Jennifer said...

I second all those who recognize that you have a way with words that just shoots straight to the heart. Thinking of your family and praying that God's peace continues to envelope you and your home! Hugs!

The Beaver Bunch said...

I found your blog via Nate's. I've read before and somehow the Holy Spirit leads me here each time you have a post. As tears well up in my eyes, I am praying for you and your family. The ache and emptiness you must feel is indescribable, I'm sure. The blessed assurance that you know the Creator of the universe, and the Author of Salvation and the way it carries you through, is a picture of grace. Thanks for reminding me to hug my kids a little tighter tomorrow. Praying...

Slade said...

I can't stop crying...

you are amazing parents.

Elizabeth said...

wow! you guys were such awesome parents! Isaac was the lukiest boy! I'll keep praying!

Hutch & Meg said...

I don't even know your family, but found your blog from Nate's. Tears are running down my face as I can hear your true peace in our great savior. God bless you! Your story just makes heaven all the more beautiful. I bet you long to get there!

Mary said...

We pray for you guys ALL the time.

nicole said...

thanks for being so honest and transparent, especially about such a precious, intimate part of your life...it is humbling. just wanted to let you know that isaac's photo is still proudly displayed on our refrigerator and we look at him and think of him many times a day. i can't imagine, as you mentioned, passing strangers who are living their life ignorant of the most impacting and important life you have known and so deeply love. i really can't imagine that...i imagine that i would be really angry, but you seem to handle it with such grace. as your life is forever different because of his, ours are still changed...isaac's legacy lives on in my and josh's heart...and on our refrigerator. we love you guys so much and are so thankful to have crossed paths with you both and your sweet, sweet son.

~nicole and josh coyle

Patty Honeycutt said...

Those sweet memories will allow Isaac to always be your little boy. There is no safer place for him than in God's heaven and your hearts. All three of you are still so very precious to me.

Sarah & Bradley said...

your words are so beautiful, just like Isaac. We love you~

The Eckerts said...

Thank you for sharing your hearts with us. We are all so blessed by your willingness to show us what God is doing in your lives!

Jennifer said...

Just wanted to stop by to let you know how wonderful it was to have both of you back on worship yesterday morning. You are both quite gifted in leading and were missed! I continue to pray for your family!

boltefamily said...

praying for you in PA!

Kristy Bolte

Anonymous said...

Your words make us feel, smell, and see all that you describe so vividly. We can't believe a year has come and gone. And praises to HIM that has carried you through this last year. We remember getting on this blog so many times daily for any word at all on Isaac. Once he left this world, I think we all had a since of loss. He was a champion witness for Christ. And thank God you will be re-united with him again one day.

Praying that peaceful & joyful memories will continue to overshadow the harder times.

take care,

Amanda said...

You are amazing and you write beautifully. I'll pray that when you go back to those memories that it will be sweet and gentle to you and for your soul. Thank you for touching my life. Thank you! I love you!

Christal said...

Your faith and dedication to the Lord through the ups and downs of this life has given and refreshed hope in all who read your blog. Today after reading your blog... you are that fresh air to people and even me, whom may feel suffocated by problems far greater than their control. You are the radiant spring light showing God's undying grace and loving nature. Gracefully do you point others back to the Lord...

Your love for the Lord is apparent. Your faith in the Lord was apparent, even when in Holland.

Thank-you... thank-you for allowing our Heavenly Father to manifest His greatness through you two and Isaac.

I pray that more clear, sunny days will come when peace is the only thing that is felt. I pray that Holland will always be a legacy, a dream, a whisper, a reminder that God's Sovereign plan is for good and good alone.

Rachel said...

Patience, you mean so much to me.

Can I have your email address?

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Patience and Jordan,
Hello, you guys. You've been in my thoughts a lot lately - don't know why! Just wanted to drop by and let you know that you are still thought of and prayed for every day. Keep hanging in there - there are so many people across the globe who think so much of you, and who smile as they remember your precious little Isaac. Take care, both of you. Sending much love from across the pond, Ali xxx

Kristina said...

Hey Patience & Jordan,
I woke today thinking of the 2 of you so I thought I would check out your blog. What amazing words (tears flowed once again). I know the memories that God has blessed you with are your strength. Know that you are loved by many and you are always in my prayers.

Love you guys,
Kristina

Chrissy said...

Happy Mother's Day Precious! You are a beautiful Mother!

Julie Stanton said...

I am sitting here and found myself thinking of you today, Patience. I want you to know what a wonderful mother you are. I look to you as an example of the Christian, wife, and mother I wish I could be. Your faith and ability and willingness to allow God to lead you on your journey and to use your sweet boy's story for good is inspiring and awesome. My cousin's unborn baby was diagnosed at her 20 week ultrasound with HLHS and the baby is due in early June. I find it amazing that God led me to your blog so long ago with His infinite knowledge that one of my own cherished family members would soon be going through a similar journey. I know your story will help me to understand a little more about what my cousin and her husband are going to experience and how I can support them. I want to wish you a happy mother's day, Patience. You are the most incredible mother I've ever known. You have made a difference in my life and will make a difference in the lives of my sweet cousin and her husband as they seek the Lord's guidance throughout their own journey. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Patience....I want to tell you "Happy Mother's Day." You are the most devoted, faith-driven mother I've ever known. You taught me multitudes about how to love, trust, and have faith. So, on this Mother's Day and for all of those to follow, know you are loved and honored for what you taught to and shared with the world.

Love, "Neighbor" Tammy

Rhonda said...

You are amazing! You provide so many people with such inspiration and hope.

We love you two.

Rhonda Pearce

Rhonda said...

You are amazing! You provide so many people with such inspiration and hope.

We love you two.

Rhonda Pearce

Sarah said...

Hi Patience and Jordan,
I found your blog today and read through your story starting from the beginning. What a journey I was taken on through your beautiful words and even more beautiful baby boy. Thank you for sharing this story and for the amazing testimony you have portrayed! I know you haven't blogged in awhile, but please know that today I am praying for you both. Sincerely hoping you are well,
Sarah

Anonymous said...

Just checking in to say hello and praying that you are doing well! I still think of you constantly.

Sister in the Lord
Annapolis, MD

Jane-Jane said...

praying for both of you and your families.

SamanthaLee said...

i think about your sweet boy almost everyday. i cant imagine the wonderful life he is living in heaven with Jesus. it makes me smile just thinking about it!

Phyllis said...

I hadn't read your blog since last year but found myself drawn back to remember Isaac and all the times you so wonderfully shared with everyone. Your journey will always have a place in my heart. I hope God blesses you with another child because ya'll are wonderful parents.

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Hi Patience and Jordan,
Just wanted to drop by and tell you that we're thinking of you specially today on little Isaac's anniversary. We still think of you and pray for you all the time,and I check in on your blog most days.
Hoping that you are both ok, and that the gaps between the dark days are getting further apart.
Sending you much love from (rainy!) Cardiff. XXX

Anonymous said...

Thinking of, and praying for, both of you today! Praying for God's peace and strength to fill you.

Love and Prayers,
Sherry at LUSOL

MilePost13 said...

We love you both, and are thinking and praying with you today.

Kathy said...

We are thinking of you and praying for you, today!

Dave & Kathy Leon